Carolyn Kennedy Payer posted this variation of a classic joke on the CP Air Facebook web site -
Qantas Airways: Repair Division
Remember, it takes a College Degree to fly a plane but only a High School Diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
- P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
- S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
- S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
- P: Something loose in cockpit.
- S: Something tightened in cockpit.
- P: Dead bugs on windshield.
- S: Live bugs on back-order.
- P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
- S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
- S: Evidence removed.
- P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
- S: DME volume set to more believable level.
- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
- S: That's what friction locks are for.
- P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
- S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
- P: Suspected crack in windshield.
- S: Suspect you're right.
- P: Number 3 engine missing.
- S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
- P: Aircraft handles funny; (I love this one!)
- S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
- P: Target radar hums.
- S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
- P: Mouse in cockpit.
- S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last!
- P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
- S: Took hammer away from midget.
Editors' Note:
There are numerous variations of this list on the internet.
A non-airline specific version can be found at:
aviationhumor.net/pilots-vs-maintenance-engineers